She came to see me last night.. while I was sleeping.. She smelled of roses and her face was just glowing and smiling. We held hands, and I helped her to move around the little place that we were in.. She was ok, she looked healthy and she told me that she is going for a trip with her friends.. That shows how fit she was.. And then, I woke up, feeling better than ever, better than the past few weeks of misery and sadness.
My prayers had been answered, and I get to spent just a little more time with her, eventhough it is just in my dreams, it is enough for me to relieve this feeling of mine, oh how I missed having her around..
I love you dear mama, thank you for dropping by.. Your daughter is a big girl now, and I'll be doing just fine.. ;-)
WELCOME ALL!!
Thursday, November 29
Tuesday, November 27
29/08/2007 ~And so... she went.. she was gone....
Its been a while.. Yeah, been trying to write, to express my feelings. But everytime I wanted to, I just feel a huge burden stuck in me, and just like right now, its really hard to express what i feel.
She had gone... Out of my life, into another life of her own. It wasn't easy to let her go, but in the end, I know that this is the best thing for her. She's been suffering for quite sometime, and it is about time for her to go.. I missed her.. all the time. Every minute of the day, every day of my life.. But I know deep down inside, she loves me very much, and maybe that is why she kept it to herself about the pain that she's going through, and I believe that she knew that she will be leaving us, and she went silently..
I honestly don't know how I am feeling right now. People around often ask of how I am, and of course, I would put on a big huge smile, and sometimes pretends that I am just fine... Just like mama... I go by each day just as if nothing had happened, just like mama did.. And everyone sees me as the strongest one in my family.. just like my mama.. I guess I inherited her courage and her strength, and it took me quite sometime to realize that I am just like her, just like my mama...
Its hard to trust anyone now, everyday of my life is just filled with precautions and I fine myself being too careful in doing things. I'm more careful in giving out my heart to people, sometimes to the people that I really love. I just feel that I just want to be on my own, in my own little world, until I'm ready to come out to the real world again.. I am just filled with this feeling that I will and I am going to get hurt again. Insecurities that oftenly make me feel so angry at the decisions that I had made for myself.. And after losing mama.. I dont think I would be capable in dealing with another heartbreak, another mishap. Its not a good feeling ya know.. always thinking that people around u can just leave as they wish, they can just turn away in an instant, and they can betray your trust in a particular night that goes by.. Its scares me all the time, knowing that things can just turn totally around with just one stupid misbehaviour.
But who am I to control them people.. Those people who wants things from you, and here they are.. all nice and sweet and charming. And then, when you need them the most, they'll be out and about, as if nothing ever happened. And who am I to blame, when they are just born like that. Well, it does hurt, knowing that they were out having the time of their life, when here I am struggling not to shed another tear. I can't really expect them to be sensitive.. well, they are just NOT sensitive. Another lesson learned there, never ever rely 100% on anyone, its just safe to have things under your own control, your own independent self.
To my friends who had stood by me, cried a tear with me, laughed with me, go through great lengths just to make me feel good, and make me feel secure, those who had prayed for my family and of course, prayed for my late mama, thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is no way I could repay the kindness and thought fullness of your heart, only the Almighty Allah could reward all of you fairly. It shows that among those insensitive people, I am blessed with people who are trustworthy, kind-hearted, and loyal.. My friends.. they are truly my strength that help me to get through this event in my life, and because of you dear friends, I get a little wiser, a little stronger than yesterday..
Al fatihah to mama.... My strength, my courage, my everything...
She had gone... Out of my life, into another life of her own. It wasn't easy to let her go, but in the end, I know that this is the best thing for her. She's been suffering for quite sometime, and it is about time for her to go.. I missed her.. all the time. Every minute of the day, every day of my life.. But I know deep down inside, she loves me very much, and maybe that is why she kept it to herself about the pain that she's going through, and I believe that she knew that she will be leaving us, and she went silently..
I honestly don't know how I am feeling right now. People around often ask of how I am, and of course, I would put on a big huge smile, and sometimes pretends that I am just fine... Just like mama... I go by each day just as if nothing had happened, just like mama did.. And everyone sees me as the strongest one in my family.. just like my mama.. I guess I inherited her courage and her strength, and it took me quite sometime to realize that I am just like her, just like my mama...
Its hard to trust anyone now, everyday of my life is just filled with precautions and I fine myself being too careful in doing things. I'm more careful in giving out my heart to people, sometimes to the people that I really love. I just feel that I just want to be on my own, in my own little world, until I'm ready to come out to the real world again.. I am just filled with this feeling that I will and I am going to get hurt again. Insecurities that oftenly make me feel so angry at the decisions that I had made for myself.. And after losing mama.. I dont think I would be capable in dealing with another heartbreak, another mishap. Its not a good feeling ya know.. always thinking that people around u can just leave as they wish, they can just turn away in an instant, and they can betray your trust in a particular night that goes by.. Its scares me all the time, knowing that things can just turn totally around with just one stupid misbehaviour.
But who am I to control them people.. Those people who wants things from you, and here they are.. all nice and sweet and charming. And then, when you need them the most, they'll be out and about, as if nothing ever happened. And who am I to blame, when they are just born like that. Well, it does hurt, knowing that they were out having the time of their life, when here I am struggling not to shed another tear. I can't really expect them to be sensitive.. well, they are just NOT sensitive. Another lesson learned there, never ever rely 100% on anyone, its just safe to have things under your own control, your own independent self.
To my friends who had stood by me, cried a tear with me, laughed with me, go through great lengths just to make me feel good, and make me feel secure, those who had prayed for my family and of course, prayed for my late mama, thank you from the bottom of my heart. There is no way I could repay the kindness and thought fullness of your heart, only the Almighty Allah could reward all of you fairly. It shows that among those insensitive people, I am blessed with people who are trustworthy, kind-hearted, and loyal.. My friends.. they are truly my strength that help me to get through this event in my life, and because of you dear friends, I get a little wiser, a little stronger than yesterday..
Al fatihah to mama.... My strength, my courage, my everything...
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